This is going to sound petty but it impacted my life greatly and both affected and contributed to the person I am now: insecure, low self-esteem, no confidence and the unhealthy need to validate myself in anything I say or do.
When I was a kid I was very withdrawn and happiest when I was with a blank piece of paper and a crayon. Creating my own world was far better than living in the current one. While adults appreciated my silent existence I also noticed that they would respond with smiles and curiosity when they saw signs of budding intelligence in me. I learned that getting the best grade or performing the best on a task would reward me and validate that I was worthy. It was also how I was able to break away from the others in order to stay alone. For example, when my reading ability progressed faster than others I would be assigned to a higher reading level group that contained only me—no other students.
Taking subjects that other kids found challenging and then mastering it myself was my modus operandi. Spelling bees and spelling tests were easy for me. Getting 100% every time was nothing unusual. So when a substitute teacher merged several classrooms for an impromptu verbal spelling contest, I was unphased. Until I spelled a word correctly and she told me I was wrong. She then abruptly ended the spelling contest, told us to close our books and to head to the cafeteria for lunch. That was when I was shocked. I still remember the word: It was “believe”. Immediately after telling me I was wrong I was speechless. I watched as all the other kids grabbed their things and headed off to the lunchroom and all I could think over and over in my head was that all these kids think I’m stupid. I frantically started flipping through pages of my books looking for examples of the word “believe”. After I found them I went to the teachers’ desk and showed her the words and told her I had spelled it correctly. She was busy gathering her things and dismissively said, “Okay, but everyone is going to lunch now so get your things.” As a 9-year-old child, I just wanted her to make things right and get all the children together and tell them I spelled the word correctly. I wanted her to make them understand that I’m not the stupid weirdo that they would shame in the hallways. Just because I don’t look like them and have a name they’re unfamiliar with did not make me stupid.The substitute teacher never righted the wrong. She didn’t leave a note to my permanent teacher and she was gone the next day. Unfortunately, all the kids that treated me as “less-than” were still all around and in my view they now had reason to “believe” I’m stupid and worthless. I tried telling my few friends about what happened but at our ages, questioning an adult – especially one that is responsible for teaching us– wasn’t something we could even imagine. That simple incident stuck with me always. Her simple desire to quickly move students to the cafeteria and nullifying why we were having a spelling contest, was just one thing that compounded over many years. I feign how affected I was by it by saying I’m grateful because it forced me to excel and fueled my need to be better. If I say it enough maybe I too will believe it? It’s just a shame that so many adults can be so unaware and careless in their interactions with children. Sometimes the things that may appear so insignificant to one person can actually be the things that shape a child’s perception of himself. One thoughtless action or comment is all it takes for something fragile to break.